Endings.

This has been quite a year. There was parental sickness, extreme burnout, mental & financial stress, and so much confusion. Of all the things I’ve navigated this year, one of the most recurring themes has been grief. Death, decisions, and expiration dates have all knocked me backwards at multiple points throughout the year. Some endings were expected, most were a surprise, but all of them have shaped who I am in this moment the same way water can erode and reshape the sharp edges of a rock.

So. What does it mean that I’ve had to face the end of so many things in my life this year? What does it mean that some of the very things I’ve prided myself on having (a solid friend circle, a full family, a plan, etc.) have been the very things I’ve been losing? What is life trying to show me?

Here are a few things I’ve picked up:

Endings are inevitable. There are no happy ones irl.

Lots of well meaning people have whispered “this too shall pass” to me during rough times and I didn’t understand it until recently. Everything you know, good, bad, or indifferent, will end at some point. We are always in the preparation for the next loss, whether we know it or not. Learning to accept loss as a part of life has been hard because it’s also accepting the powerlessness of life. Having control and having a plan has been the way for me to quiet anxieties and be productive. Grief, however, makes you surrender to it. You have to sit inside every wave of grief until it decides to stop crashing around and inside you like seafoam and slinks back to the black hole from which it came. There is no preparation that will siphon the pain out of an ending, even an anticipatory loss. Happy endings do not exist in real life because we have to make room for the grief. I’ve been learning how to sit still with mine.

Every ending changes you.

Every loss changed something about the way I now live my life. I recognized the importance of valuing family history and legacy. I’m more protective and even more loving with my family now, as we enter a new phase. I try harder to remember to say “I love you” or reach out to people I care about on a more regular basis. I learned the importance of having archives of joy and to document the things and people you want to remember. I explored how I want to feel in relationships and had to recognize ones that were silently draining me, diminishing my worth, or trapping me in dysfunction. I accepted that not everyone you love can remain in your life rent-free. I learned to hold myself accountable for not communicating early & often, people pleasing, and not maintaining adequate boundaries because it all can facilitate or accelerate endings. I also learned that every ending brings an opportunity for myself to do even more of the internal work.

I don’t need to have the answers.

My career sometimes adds the pressure to have myself “put together” in a way that I didn’t expect. I’m not sure why, but somehow I burned it into my brain that I shouldn’t struggle with certain things, like radical acceptance and grief, because of what I do. However, I can know all the tools and still struggle to use them. I can and do make mistakes. I’m a human – first, foremost, and beyond any profession. I’m also a creative, which (for me) means finding the beauty in the journey itself, not just the outcome. Living, loving, and healing are all messy at times. I’m in a new phase and season. I don’t even have a roadmap anymore and I’m learning to be brave because of it.

Grief and joy can co-exist

Despite grappling with so much loss, I’ve also experienced some of the best moments of my life this year, which is honestly so weird. I’ve stepped into a new, exciting, and expanding chapter of my life. I can literally feel the changes down to my bones. I tried alternative healing methods. I met one of my heroes (more on this later). I opened a successful business. I traveled alone for the first time and found my love for adventure. I realized how much I can accomplish under extreme stress (spoiler alert: a lot). I learned how much I can truly like myself when I don’t only focus on what I’m doing wrong or where I need to grow more. I learned to seek & outsource joy where there is none readily available. I learned how to survive 5 years ago. This year, I learned how to thrive, even in the face of confusion and pain.

Beginnings are inevitable too.

2025 might be leaving me with a few battle scars but I also found new goals and dreams too. I found new “whys” and ways to live. I learned that life will also shove you into beginnings just as unexpectedly as endings.